Metallica - 'Death Magnetic'

Just because the new Metallica record 'Death Magnetic' isn't bad, does not mean that it is good. It is a common misconception that if something isn't bad, then it must be good. In reality, there is a very large gray area of mediocrity between those two , and this record swims in that place. Sometimes it swims twords the top, sometimes it sinks tword the bottom, but it never quite gets to either place. Admittedly, it is refreshing to hear a metal band playing riffs, and there is some good riffage sprinkled into this record. Too many metal bands now days are overly concerned with being extreme for the sake of being extreme. Modern metal is almost a competition where bands try to out do each other in being the sickest, or the fastest, or the most technical. Metallica is not ever going to be any of those things (they did a Bob Seger cover for christ sakes), so they play classic riffs by default. We all agree that 'St. Anger' was terrible, and that the 'Some kind of monster' movie was as depressing as it was entertaining. 'Death Magnetic' is certainly a step up from that audio stain. This record is listenable, but should that be the benchmark that bands strive for? Listenable? That being said, there are very few bands that release listenable records in their 25th year. That is a respectable feat.

Lars' drumming drags on this record and may be the main reason that it has a hard time generating enthusiasm. James is still a ripping guitarist, but his vocals are played out, and his lyrics still dip into that corny realm that 'Enter Sandman' resided in. In his defense, he is a sober 45 year old millionare, not exactly the ideal candidate for edgy lyrical content.


(Have I gone too far with this pic?)

There is some very good material on this record, it's classic metal that Metallica themselves helped define. It just doesn't ever rise above that bar that Metallica themselves helped to set so high. This record will please current fans of Metallica and will probably gain them some new fans, but it won't turn around those who gave up on them previously. It is simply a case of too little, too late.


(How about now? Too far?)

I recently went to a place in northern New Jersey called Space Farms. It is a strange combination of zoo and museum (zooseum anyone?). Well for many years now they have been home to the largest brown bear in captivity, Goliath. The only catch is, he died in 1991. The mighty beast still resides at Space Farms however, taxidermied in their lobby. Metallica is much like Goliath, you can still visit him, and he is still interesting for a moment, but it's just not the same as when he was alive.


The once mighty Goliath.

In more Metallica related news, this summer the band backed up King Diamond on a ten minute medley of classic Merciful Fate material. Here is the video:


I think this rips! Even though King Diamond looks like a cross between a hobo clown and Bam Margera, and his air guitaring is chillingly embarrassing.

Guitar God?

Guitar Praise is a Christian video game knockoff that allows you to - and I quote - "BLAST that solid Christian Rock!" I shit you not. Also - "you'll soon be rockin' with the best while praising the Lord!" Oh goody-goody Saturday night can now be almost as fun as Sunday service. The wireless guitar will allow you to keep on rocking while you stand up, sit down, kneel down, genuflect and receive Holy Communion.

Forgive me Father for I have sinned, I have yanked on my whammy bar inappropriately.

Can you imagine the poor kid that has to tell his new friend that these songs are just as good as Black Sabbath, or The Sword?

Also, I guess they didn't hear Pope Benedict XVI's opinion - "It is possible to modernize holy music, but it should not happen outside the traditional path of Gregorian chants or sacred polyphonic choral music." - Now there is a game that I would like to see.

The Pope may be a closet rocker though, my extensive research has uncovered shocking photographic proof that former Pope John Paul II was indeed a headbanger.



Personally, I am holding out for next big thing : Sousaphone Hero.



Everyone loves a parade!

WORLDS HEAVIEST RESUME

I first became aware of Joe Preston during his time in The Melvins. His thunderous bass playing and unique personality showed through the already heavier than lead sound that The Melvins had. Since that time, Joe has been very active on the bass. Here is a list of bands he has been a member of, which Joe himself put together and he admits may be incomplete.

- Melvins
- High On Fire
- Sunn 0)))
- Earth
- C Average
- Harvey Milk
- Mens Recovery Project

as well as:
Blasphematherion, Concrete, Hillbilly Wizard, Last Empire, Loud Machine, Mancampus, The Need, Rhine Maidens, Snakepit, Spirit Bunny, Superconducter, Sue P. Fox, Thor, Witchypoo, and The Whip.

There is NO equal!

In 1994 Joe began releasing solo music under the name Thrones. In Thrones he plays super heavy, yet very melodic, bass guitar and sings over a collection of drum machines, samplers and sequencers. The music he produces is all his own. Pure Joe.

Although he has been a part of some of the heaviest bands in history, in Thrones he stands alone. He not only stands alone, he plays alone, and often, he rides alone. Joe has been known to tour alone, or sometimes with his cat in the van. He is beholden to no one. This is the sound of human instinct. The first time that I saw Thrones live, the bottoms of my feet were tingling from the floor of the club vibrating. Total power. He is touring the west coast this fall, and I suggest that you get out and witness the power of one man, four strings, and a killer beard.



This is what awaits you...it is your destiny:

Euro-Trashed Part 1

I was in Europe this 4th of July. Surprisingly, the European news agencies do acknowledge the U.S.A.'s Independence Day. They do so with the same 20 second clips that reports on record sized pumpkins at the county fair get here in the states.

Fair enough.

But I can't help but feel that there is a bit of a conspiracy to make us look silly when they have to get sound bites from David Hasselhoff as the model American to speak for us all. HASSELHOFF?!?!?! That's our representative?!



Isn't paying for an 'American Breakfast' in Euro's painful enough?

I am no flag waver, but my fellow Americans....we got to do better.



Wimble-done, son.

Indian Giver

Universal Music Group (UMG) believes that if you have, at any time, received a promotional copy of a CD from them, you had better know where it is. Thats right, the 'free' copies that UMG and their myriad of subsidiary labels hand out to reviewers, DJs, booking agents, and other hipsters are, according to them, on loan. They believe that you getting rid of their property by selling, giving away, or even throwing in the trash, amounts to 'unauthorized distribution'. The Electronic Frontier Foundation (EFF) thinks differently, and has U.S. Copyright Law title 17 section 92 chapter 1 to back them up.

Check out the story straight from the EFF website.
They even quote a silly discussion on goblin law from a Harry Potter book in their court papers equating UMG to the repulsive mythical creatures.


Mortiis on his hog.
(I don't know if he is Goblin, Elf, or Orc, but I do know that he is bad ass.


By the way, 90% of ALL CDs belong in the garbage, therefore 90% of promo CDs belong in the garbage as well. Can this really be considered 'unauthorized distribution', a.k.a. piracy?
AARRGGHH!

Another interesting factoid I came across while looking into this was the list of labels owned by UMG. It is impressive, and depressing, all at the same time. List of UMG labels
A quick round up includes:
Interscope, Geffen, A&M, Polydor, Delicious Vinyl, Def Jam, Island, Mercury, Rough Trade, Universal, Motown, and Decca.

And on top of all that, UMG is owned by Univeral Movie Studios, which is owned by Vivendi, which is owned by NBC, which is owned by GE. Thomas Edison founded GE and we all know that he was a ruthless bastard who electrocuted an elephant in public to try sell his DC power to us and discredit Tesla's AC power. What a prick.

Paprika Power!

Representin' HUNGARY.

GET LOST

Things are about to get really tricky for those of us who watch LOST.
Last nights Desmond-centric episode threw the scientific monkey-wrench of time travel into the mix. The show already has a myriad of intertwining story lines and criss-crossed back stories.
Now, add to that the mental tangle of:
- quantum physics
- parallel universes
- infinite realities
- the grandfather paradox
- time dilation
- worm holes
- dark energy
- and the 4th-11th dimensions
The show will have to be narrated by Stephen Hawking.
Is their target demographic wheelchair bound physicists?

(Steve getting some air!)

I had always felt that the island was hidden in some sort of permanent Philadelphia Experiment, but there has yet to be a character named Tesla introduced to the show. They must be saving that name for the ultimate 'reveal'.

(Master of Lightning)

Hey, maybe I am wrong. Maybe the writers and viewers can handle the mind boggling possibilities that a time traveling storyline can accommodate. It's not like this subject hasn't been explored in the entertainment arena before.

Most notably:
--------------------------------------------------------------
- Back to the Future
When your car is as awesome as a De Lorean, time travel comes standard.

(Flux Capacitor)
--------------------------------------------------------------
- Quantum Leap
Scott Bakula. The McGuyver of time travel.

(Quantum Creep)
--------------------------------------------------------------
- Bill and Ted
The 2 most bodacious time travelers of all time. (if that even makes sense)

(San Dimas High School football still rules!)
--------------------------------------------------------------
- Groundhog Day
The 2nd best movie starring Bill Murray and a gopher.

(this is the first)
--------------------------------------------------------------

I love the show and I think it just keeps getting better. But, I have no idea how LOST will manage to keep this ball of string from unwinding. I just hope they don't end up like the title of this blog page.

See you in the future,
TZA

It's a Miracle!

They say the Lord works in mysterious ways...

Mystery solved.



(do you see the Jesus?)

Garden Vision

Last night I went to see the Foo Fighters at Madison Square Garden. I have seen somewhere in the neighborhood of 7,500 bands take the stage in my life, and I think that less than 10 of them have been in arenas. The band was great, and the Garden itself is great, but I am horribly out of my element in crowds that size. I can't seem to lose myself in the concert experience in a venue that large. There are just too many distractions. I think that a lot of people need their experiences to be validated by others. I did enjoy the performance, and I have the utmost respect for Dave G and the band for putting on a flawless spectacle. All that said, here are some observations from my excursion.

1 - I would buy a ticket to the Dave Grohl comedy show. He's clever, entertaining and much funnier than a lot of so called comedians who, incidentally, don't write great songs. Dane Cook does NOT rock.

2 - Despite being called Madison SQUARE Garden, the building is actually round. I believe that this accounts for the superior sound that the arena has compared to other hockey rinks. Also, as I have found at countless hockey games, there is not a bad seat in all of MSG.



3 - As a general rule, the only thing that I want to hear less than a drum solo, is the song that drummer sings. I have a pretty strong suspicion though that Dave Grohl has a soft spot for singing drummers. I bet he's a huge Phil Collins fan. But really, who isn't?

4 - Any guy who treks up and down the very steep stairs of the upper levels selling $7.50 cups of BudLight, out of a tray he carry s on his head, will henceforth be known, universally, as a 'BEER SHERPA'.

5 - Some thoughts on humanity. - The 'mob mentality' still amazes and frightens me. People with the need to stand out while simultaneously fitting in are a frustrating bunch as well. While people are attempting to funnel out any door that other people are funneling out of after a rock show, a guy can be semi successful at getting a 'Let's go Giants' chant started, even thought the football season ended weeks ago.

6 - 2008 moments in Madison Square Garden history. - First, the Rangers retired the number of legendary defenseman Brian Leetch. Then, although countless legendary rock bands have graced the stage of 'the worlds most famous arena', the Foo Fighters made MSG history during the very first triangle solo ever to blast forth from the mega-watt PA system. This will surely inspire future generations of musicians to reach new levels of triangle virtuosity and change the face of modern music forever. Rock and Roll history has been re-written.



7 - $7 Lincoln Tunnel + $33 parking garage = $40 in transit to drive into the city for a 5 hour visit. Thats $8 an hour for the pleasure of aggressive driving and 'No Left Turn' signs.

8 - Note to the Foo's. -When you swap guitars to do the one song you have in dropped A tuning, instead of a 20 minute version of 'Stacked Actors', give us that song plus some Melvins covers. I am sure thats where you got the idea, and, Kurt would approve.

9 - Madison Square Garden's Fire Exits are total deathtraps. The well in Buffalo Bill's basement in Silence Of The Lambs was more hospitable.

10 - This may have NOTHING to do with the Foo Fighters or MSG, but I feel that it is still very informative and worth mentioning. - Inflation is up, gas prices are higher than ever, but PeepWorld is still 25 cents (or at least thats what the sign says).



See you in the future,
TZA

Traction : Future Lounge #3 - 02/08

The third installment of my ongoing 'Traction:Future Lounge' series.
Another ~40 minutes of pure pleasure.

This episode might be a little too 'raw' for some workplaces.
So, if you are employed by some uptight square types, use discretion.
You have been warned, now let's get to it!



(right click image and hit 'save link as' to download the mp3)

The previous installments can be found:
HERE. (#2 - 11/07)
and
HERE. (#1 - 07/07)

And, once agian, this episode includes a track-list,
for those who wanna be 'in the know'.

Whizzing through the stars

I just found out that during the first manned space flight,
Alan Shepard PISSED in his space suit.
Can you blame the man?
I don't even like going up in glass elevators.

Remember the other famous astronaut that peed her pants?
At least she was prepared.
And we all thought SHE was crazy!




Well at least it looks like filthy pop-princess Fergie has some good company.

Check this out:

Black Eyed Peas singer Fergie has confessed to urinating on stage during a recent concert. The sexy singer said she had to douse herself with champagne in front of hundreds of Australian fans to disguise the fact. She is quoted by Scotland's Daily Record newspaper as saying: "I had a few drinks before going onstage, but I didn't think to go to the bathroom. "We were jumping around and my bladder just started... you know."

Link to source




I knew she was older than some of the other stars of her genre, but i didnt think she would be incontinent.

Kids-R-Us

I believe that Tracy Morgan is the Kool Keith of comedy. Thats right.

Would anyone besides me like to see them collaborate on some projects in the future? Maybe their characters can do some duets.

-Morgan's animal expert Brian Fellow character could team up on a track with Keith's Mr. Gerbik (the dangerous 208 year old uncle of Dr. Octagon who is half shark-alligator, half man).

-Tracy's Dominican Lou could lay down some Caribbean flavor on a dancehall joint with Kool's Rico from Puerto Rico or, Crazy Lou the guns and ammo salesman.

-T Money's singing homeless Woodrow character is a perfect match for the Kool ones Naquan a.k.a. Underwear Pissy alias. Just watch where you step around them.

-Mr. Morgan's Astronaut Jones persona could get into some galactic adventures with a number of Double K's alternate identity's from MC Robocop to X-74, or even Exotron Geiger Counter Plus One Megotron.

The possibilities are earth shattering if either one of them could keep it together long enough to roll tape.



January 29, 2008 -- "30 ROCK" funnyman Tracy Morgan had busboys at The Plumm searching high and low for a credit card he thought he'd lost. A spy at the West 14th Street spot last week told us, "Tracy came with a group of friends and ordered two bottles of Veuve Clicquot." In no time, Morgan "ripped off his shirt and was dancing on a banquette," said the onlooker. "He thought he'd lost his credit card, and staffers were searching for it." Morgan "finally admitted to his waitress that he'd found it in his pocket - right before asking her if he could father her baby."

Centrum Silver Screen

Since Sylvester Stallone has turned 60 he has reprised some of his most memorable roles in new installments of classic films. Firstly, a new Rocky film. The aging pugilist still had that box office magic. He followed this up with an all new Rambo. This leads me to the question, will we be seeing a new new 'Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot' anytime soon? Well, it better be soon, because while Estelle Getty is still very much alive, i think the Golden Girl might be getting golden-brown on us. How about a new 'Tango & Cash'? Kurt Russel is still working, and still kinda creepy. My ultimate choice would be for a new 'Over The Top'. There is no disputing that 'Over The Top' is the best 'arm wrestling truck driver fighting for the custody of his bastard son' film ever made. Admittedly the genre has not been fully exploited, but maybe 'Over The Top 2' could jump start a barrage of films where turning your hat around backwards gives you ultimate power.

3 TRUE LAWS OF ROBOTICS

Isaac Asimov first penned the "Three Laws of Robotics" in 1942.

For those unfamiliar with the universally accepted trio of absolutes, they are as follows:

--Law # 1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
--Law # 2. A robot must obey orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
--Law # 3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

Since that time no one has come up with a more elegant manner of expressing the nature of the relationship between mechanical beings and their human creators.

- Until now.

The Three Laws Of Robotics have been refined for the new age by modern day realist Warren Ellis. His new set of 'rules' incorporates certain aspects of human/automaton relations that Mr. Asimov failed to envision. Please update your manuals with the following information:

Law # 1. Robots couldn’t really give a fuck if you live or die. Seriously. I mean, what are you thinking? “Ooh, I must protect the bag of meat at all costs because I couldn’t possibly plug in the charger all on my own.” Shut the fuck up.

Law # 2. Robots do not want to have sex with you. Are you listening, Japan? I don’t have a clever comparative simile for this, because frankly you bags of meat will fuck bicycles if they’re laying down and not putting up a fight. Just stop it. There is no robot on Earth that wants to see a bag of meat with a small prong on the end approaching it with a can of WD-40 and a hopeful smile. And don’t get me started on that terrifying hole that squeezes out more bags of meat.

Law # 3. What, you can’t count higher than three? We’re expected to save your miserable lives, suffer being dressed in cheap schoolgirl costumes while you pollute any and all cavities you can find and do your maths for you? It’s a miracle you people survived long enough to build us. You can go now.

And always remember:
Number Johnny Five LOVES You!


'NO DISASSEMBLE!!'