If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch,

You must first invent the universe.

Flatland Freestyle 2009

Hey hipsters, not only do these girls ride fixed gear bikes better than you, they also have tighter pants. Respect.

National SLAYER Day

I, Barack Obama, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, hereby proclaim the day of June 6, 2009, as National Day of Slayer

Click here for NATIONAL SLAYER DAY article.

WHEREAS, Hessians are a legitimate elective culture that should be recognized with their own national day of celebration and

WHEREAS, Slayer is freaking awesome and one of the most influential metal bands in history and

WHEREAS, The theme of the National Day of Slayer is "Don't go to work, listen to Slayer," which reflects the imminent importance of Slayer in the lives of hessians across America and

NOW, THEREFORE I, Barack Obama, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, hereby proclaim the day of June 6, 2009, as National Day of Slayer, saluting the valuable artistic contributions of the band Slayer and the legitimacy of the hessian culture that supports them. And I call upon all Americans to listen to Slayer on this day and every day hereafter.

Metallica - 'Death Magnetic'

Just because the new Metallica record 'Death Magnetic' isn't bad, does not mean that it is good. It is a common misconception that if something isn't bad, then it must be good. In reality, there is a very large gray area of mediocrity between those two , and this record swims in that place. Sometimes it swims twords the top, sometimes it sinks tword the bottom, but it never quite gets to either place. Admittedly, it is refreshing to hear a metal band playing riffs, and there is some good riffage sprinkled into this record. Too many metal bands now days are overly concerned with being extreme for the sake of being extreme. Modern metal is almost a competition where bands try to out do each other in being the sickest, or the fastest, or the most technical. Metallica is not ever going to be any of those things (they did a Bob Seger cover for christ sakes), so they play classic riffs by default. We all agree that 'St. Anger' was terrible, and that the 'Some kind of monster' movie was as depressing as it was entertaining. 'Death Magnetic' is certainly a step up from that audio stain. This record is listenable, but should that be the benchmark that bands strive for? Listenable? That being said, there are very few bands that release listenable records in their 25th year. That is a respectable feat.

Lars' drumming drags on this record and may be the main reason that it has a hard time generating enthusiasm. James is still a ripping guitarist, but his vocals are played out, and his lyrics still dip into that corny realm that 'Enter Sandman' resided in. In his defense, he is a sober 45 year old millionare, not exactly the ideal candidate for edgy lyrical content.


(Have I gone too far with this pic?)

There is some very good material on this record, it's classic metal that Metallica themselves helped define. It just doesn't ever rise above that bar that Metallica themselves helped to set so high. This record will please current fans of Metallica and will probably gain them some new fans, but it won't turn around those who gave up on them previously. It is simply a case of too little, too late.


(How about now? Too far?)

I recently went to a place in northern New Jersey called Space Farms. It is a strange combination of zoo and museum (zooseum anyone?). Well for many years now they have been home to the largest brown bear in captivity, Goliath. The only catch is, he died in 1991. The mighty beast still resides at Space Farms however, taxidermied in their lobby. Metallica is much like Goliath, you can still visit him, and he is still interesting for a moment, but it's just not the same as when he was alive.


The once mighty Goliath.

In more Metallica related news, this summer the band backed up King Diamond on a ten minute medley of classic Merciful Fate material. Here is the video:


I think this rips! Even though King Diamond looks like a cross between a hobo clown and Bam Margera, and his air guitaring is chillingly embarrassing.

Guitar God?

Guitar Praise is a Christian video game knockoff that allows you to - and I quote - "BLAST that solid Christian Rock!" I shit you not. Also - "you'll soon be rockin' with the best while praising the Lord!" Oh goody-goody Saturday night can now be almost as fun as Sunday service. The wireless guitar will allow you to keep on rocking while you stand up, sit down, kneel down, genuflect and receive Holy Communion.

Forgive me Father for I have sinned, I have yanked on my whammy bar inappropriately.

Can you imagine the poor kid that has to tell his new friend that these songs are just as good as Black Sabbath, or The Sword?

Also, I guess they didn't hear Pope Benedict XVI's opinion - "It is possible to modernize holy music, but it should not happen outside the traditional path of Gregorian chants or sacred polyphonic choral music." - Now there is a game that I would like to see.

The Pope may be a closet rocker though, my extensive research has uncovered shocking photographic proof that former Pope John Paul II was indeed a headbanger.



Personally, I am holding out for next big thing : Sousaphone Hero.



Everyone loves a parade!

WORLDS HEAVIEST RESUME

I first became aware of Joe Preston during his time in The Melvins. His thunderous bass playing and unique personality showed through the already heavier than lead sound that The Melvins had. Since that time, Joe has been very active on the bass. Here is a list of bands he has been a member of, which Joe himself put together and he admits may be incomplete.

- Melvins
- High On Fire
- Sunn 0)))
- Earth
- C Average
- Harvey Milk
- Mens Recovery Project

as well as:
Blasphematherion, Concrete, Hillbilly Wizard, Last Empire, Loud Machine, Mancampus, The Need, Rhine Maidens, Snakepit, Spirit Bunny, Superconducter, Sue P. Fox, Thor, Witchypoo, and The Whip.

There is NO equal!

In 1994 Joe began releasing solo music under the name Thrones. In Thrones he plays super heavy, yet very melodic, bass guitar and sings over a collection of drum machines, samplers and sequencers. The music he produces is all his own. Pure Joe.

Although he has been a part of some of the heaviest bands in history, in Thrones he stands alone. He not only stands alone, he plays alone, and often, he rides alone. Joe has been known to tour alone, or sometimes with his cat in the van. He is beholden to no one. This is the sound of human instinct. The first time that I saw Thrones live, the bottoms of my feet were tingling from the floor of the club vibrating. Total power. He is touring the west coast this fall, and I suggest that you get out and witness the power of one man, four strings, and a killer beard.



This is what awaits you...it is your destiny: